Monday, July 19, 2010

Fighting for the Sisterhood

I believe in the Sisterhood.



You know what? I really do. I believe that we all could be united, that as lolitas, we could be a subculture brimming with positivity: we could be a unified force fighting the status quo, a force to be reckoned with battling a world dressed in gray powersuits and smart black pumps and nude nylons. There's no reason we shouldn't be one. We're thousands of girls brought together from all parts of the globe, united by our love of beauty and little else. I guess that means we should expect the cattiness, the rudeness, the backstabbing, but I just can't. I can't believe that people who have come together in a way only made possible in the last ten years solely by our love of and search for beauty could be so ugly to each other. I guess I'm an idealist. I just don't see the point in having entire websites devoted to calling people ugly, or stupid, or naive, or fill in the blank with whatever these communities have decided is taboo en vogue today. And you may that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. There are plenty of fabulous ladies who leave the scene all the time because they're sick of getting beaten down for being themselves in an alternate fashion (crazy, I know - here I'm in this fashion because I just LOVE to look like everyone else!).

Some people say negative communities are necessary. They say they need to discuss scammers, they want to laugh at mainstream media's perception of lolita whenever it rears it hilariously ugly head, they need to blow off steam about people who annoy or anger them. Well, the first two I agree with - I enjoy reading both of them. However, I don't see why these things can't be posted to the main community; they can be, and they are. Think back to the belle_bete drama, or Jessica Simpson's The Price of Beauty episode. Everyone knew about them, even if egl was the only lolita website they read. Therefore, these are moot points. (Also, I would like to add that I have no problem egl, and agree that the main community and most of its subsidiaries are pretty much harmless, as far as these things go - my problem is not with the positive communities that the fashion has spawned but with the negative.)

The last part, however, always amuses me. I snicker a little whenever I see that the only way for the people who participate in these communities to blow off steam is to post the offense in question. I get annoyed too, guys - I get frustrated when I see someone doing something offensive in lolita, I get righteously angry when I see people flagrantly throwing the rules away and still calling themselves lolitas. I'm human - it grates my cheese too. However, when one of these things happens, guess what I do? Get out my cellphone. Phone a friend. Rant. Friend counter-rants. We rant together. Steam is blown off, peace is restored, and no one's feelings got hurt. No one needs to know that they pissed me off unless the offense is so unpardonable that I absolutely cannot bear to see it go unprostested. Here's a doozy: when that happens... wait for it... I tell them. I know, I know, it's crazy! I send them a private message on facebook, or livejournal, or whatever it was, and I say "Listen, I know you were just stating your opinion about ______, but it really offended me. Maybe I misunderstood, but it seemed like you were saying _______. Would you mind explaining to me what you meant instead? I'm sure I just read it wrong." It's simple and effective: if they're mature enough to respond intelligently, they'll either explain the misinterpretation or tell me that what I understood was correct, and they're sticking to their opinion. In either case, I thank them for their time and put the incident out of my mind, bearing no bad blood. If they're children, they'll either ignore me or respond with something like "You know what? I'm entitled to my opinion and I don't need YOU coming out from nowhere and criticizing it, who the fuck ever are you, I don't know you at all, you don't know me or anything about me, how dare you judge me on what I say..." and that's usually when I stop reading. Either way, the situation is over. Something offended me, and I did something about it. I was the big kid and they proved their utter immaturity, and I can let the situation go knowing that I did the right thing.

Why am I talking about this? Well, I've pretty much always felt this way - I never read wank or spam communities, or if I do it's once in a very blue moon, and I don't think it's a habit I've ever adopted nor do I plan to. However, it was this article by The Ugly Ducking that really got my gears grinding about it, and after typing up a novella of a comment I decided I had enough to say about the topic to warrant my own blog post. One of the points she made is one that I've wanted to discuss for a long time, anyway: taken from some survey results from Ramble Rori:
"An eighth (12% / 52 people) of those surveyed say that they themselves, or someone who they know have developed a mental disorder of some kind related to online bullying."
I'm personal friends with Christina of Ramble Rori; up until a few weeks ago I was her roommate at college, and therefore we discussed the survey results heavily as soon as they were gathered. When she told me this statistic, I kind of wanted to throw up.

Now, Miss Rosie makes an excellent point in her article: We can't shield new lolitas from the big, bad, scary world. Of course we can't. And if they can't even deal with negativity from their peers, they will not be able to take the kind of abuse they'll get from people on the street. And who wants to censor themselves? That's so 1950's! Free speech! Fuck the man, and all that jazz! Of course we live in a world where Freedom of Speech is almost universal... but is that a good thing? I'm a Taurus - I'm all for justice. Fairness and equality are practically my middle names. However, we have become a global society where our speech is so free that words no longer have meaning to us, their originators. Unfortunately, those are pretty much the only people they don't have meaning for.

I've heard all the tired excuses. "Lol, it's the internet!" "Someone call the WAAHmbulance!" "It's not real life!" "She broke the rules - she was asking for it!" Sure, it IS the internet. Sure, the people who are saying these things are usually cities or states or countries away from the people they're about. And sure, someone who would get upset that people they have never met and probably never will don't like them must have a pretty thin skin. However, you can never know what underlying, deep-seated problems a person might have, and you never know what could set off a relapse or be "triggering" (as wary as I am to use that word, with all of the negative connotations this exact situation has created for it). Things have happened to me and those who are close to me that make me uncomfortable about rape jokes, and that is a hard battle to fight when the entire world seems to think it's peachy keen to talk about "Superman-ing a ho." It gets even harder when my friends or the people whose opinion I care about make those jokes. The same could be said about people fighting eating disorders: if she's already in a fragile mindset about her appearance and then she sees that someone said "lolz fatty put down the cheeseburger" on some wank community, do you think it matters who the poster was? No. All that matters is that when she was trying to fit in and follow along and do something right, the very people she thought would accept her want to spit in her face too.

The point is... no. There are so many points here that I don't even know where to start. Were you bullied intensely as a child, so you think this kind of thing is normal and acceptable? Weren't you raised right? Weren't you ever told "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?" Have you really become so callous from our society that you don't think there's anything wrong with making someone feel worse than dirt?

Sure, maybe they should lighten up. Maybe they're making a mountain out of a molehill and maybe you didn't mean anything by it and maybe you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells because you might hurt someone's precious, delicate ~feelings~. But you know what? The statistics don't lie, and one-eighth seems like a pretty small percentage, but in the end, of almost 450 surveyed, that's fifty people. Fifty human beings, fifty human souls who have become mentally ill over some flippant little response you don't even remember making: fifty girls burning their esophagus with their own stomach acids or adding another tally-mark to their wrist with a razor blade or chasing a bottle of Advil with a bottle of vodka because goddammit, just when they thought they finally found somewhere to fit in...

This is something we can fight. This doesn't have to be the truth. The amazing, blessed thing about statistics is that they change with the mindset of their targets. We can still be that sisterhood. I don't think it's impossible; I don't even think it's hard. All it takes are baby steps: instead of posting a picture to 4chan, give it a sentence-worth of constructive criticism instead. Don't respond to getoffegl posts. Don't be that girl at meet-ups who's whispering behind her hand; engage your fellow lolitas. Get to know them. You might be surprised to find yourself actually caring. With International Lolita Day just passed, I think this is the perfect time to open up to your fellow lolitas. This isn't a solo fight, but I think we can do it. Be strong, fight the fear, and kill this hatred once and for all.

Look out for my follow-up post to this, "The Curse of 'White-Knighting'" in which I will discuss the horrors of giving a shit.




POST SCRIPT: It was pointed out to me that this article excludes our male population, who may or may not be keen on joining my little feminist tirade. It could be said that I was thinking in a sexist manner when I wrote this article, but the term "sisterhood" was actually not coined by me; I first saw it used to refer to lolita in an article from Lolita Charm. To quote:

"Lolitas are so different from the mainstream, and so small a percentage, with such a sensitive interest. There is a sisterhood there; there is something we all yearn for that we try to taste with ruffles and bows and ribbons."

That said, I don't think that this idea of "sisterhood" necessarily excludes men- I know that sounds stupid, but hear me out. This fashion is devoted to the feminine side of life; therefore, regardless of sex, it seems to me that anyone who engages in a feminine fashion could identify himself as of the female gender whenever he dons those clothes while still being of the male sex (remember, 'sex' means biological identity and 'gender' means social identity). I also imagine that someone who is so comfortable with femininity that he will wear lolita would not be adverse to considering himself one of a sisterhood, whatever he identifies his gender as.

In this article, I'm not also talking to those who wear masculine versions of lolita such as kodona or dandy simply because I haven't exposed myself to their side of our world enough to have the knowledge to comment on them- this goes for broli's as well. I don't want to label the men in our community as catty if they aren't, or hold them up as an example of sweetness if they don't suit that term either. I don't like to talk about things I don't know well, because that's always a recipe for disaster, especially when you're commenting on the thoughts and actions of an entire group you don't know well. I stayed away from discussing it, but if there are any male followers of our fashion who would like to add their two cents, please do so - I'd love to get a better understanding!


(image found via tumblr, original source unknown)

22 comments:

  1. This is a very important article, and I can see your point. I aggree with the sisterhood thing. That would be the BOMB. But, it may be that I'm oblivious, nothing horrible like that has ever happened to me or anyone I know. I've never had someone call me fail. Nor has anyone said anything bad ever. To my knowledge. Am I just lucky, or something?

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  2. I used to be a member of getoffegl and lolisecrets. It was a way to pass the time, but I never posted to either community. It was only recently that I left both communities, after realizing how useless they are and how much time they waste. I actually think the people with thin skins are the ones that post to those communities - the people that care so much about something so worthless that they spend their time being catty about it. I haven't had the urge to visit either community since I left them, and I feel I'm better off for it.

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  3. Aly, you're absolutely right. Thank you, thank you, thank you. There is most a definitely a way to be polite without "walking on eggshells".

    The members of these wank comms seem to me just like a group of very sick girls who just want to gain popularity among other lolitas by knocking down the weakest.

    All their excuses,"This is the real world" "Lol you need to GTFO if you can't take a little criticism" "I can say whatever I want" - bullshit. Bullying is not okay, it never was, pinpointing a girl and hurting her is not "constructive criticism". They may have there petty reasons, such as hate for said person, desire of e-fame, or just a 'my way or no way' personality, but that is no justification.

    They are annoyed when someone white-knights their object of ridicule, yet defend their right to continue putting down others. Though i doubt it ever will be, this behavior needs to be stopped.

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  4. I want to believe so much that we could all get along perfectly. I want to believe in that Sisterhood. But there are so many girls who just won't accept that. They don't want to get along with others. Like lilotka said, there are so many of those who try to build themselves up by pushing others down, like a big ladder to the top - who cares that you might break a rung on the way up, so long as you don't fall with it?

    I'll spare the rant since I have a bad tendency to get a bit carried away. The statistics are terrifying, though. I honestly cried when I saw them for the first time - is that what we're really like? The badness does tend to overshadow the goodness, but that there are still so many people who are happy to spend precious minutes of their lives making others miserable is... just unbearable.

    I wish there was something to do about it. I wish I could do something about it, but it's hard not to feel powerless in the face of that. What's there to do?

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  5. I agree for the most part that most people don't behave well online and the things they will type without thinking twice are things they'd never say to your face. I wish EGL were more open to discussions about scammers (because they start on 4chan and and getoffegl but don't get addressed by mods until it's too late because it's just Wild Accusations at the beginning, e.g the current stuff going on.) And EGL itself wasn't a safe place to bring up the talia drama when she was a mod and was running the DB. People do need somewhere to go, but many lack the integrity to stay authentic to themselves. They'll puff up in front of the internet community

    I hate that loli_secrets has turned into 2.4chan due to allowing anonymous attacks. Addressing a mod about something you're concerned or embarrassed about anonymously is one thing, but using the veil of anonymity at loli_secrets is just vile and in poor taste.

    If people knew how to express themselves better it'd be a good thing. The fact that they feel they can't get their point across without vitriol is sad.

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  6. Yet again, you hit the nail on the head.
    I have such a problem with online bullying... well any bullying... but the problem with online bullying is, like you said, people justify it so much by using the lame excuse "Deal. That's the internet". Sorry that excuse doesn't fly with me. It's the internet, that doesn't excuse you from being a jerk. I never read wank communities. I don't have time for them. If someone has a problem with me, grow some balls and say it to my face otherwise I couldn't care less what is said. I wish people would just get some damn security and confidence and leave all those wank communities.

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  7. I will join your fight for sisterhood. It does not matter if it is the internet, bullying is never the rightfull thing to do. This article has touch me sincerely and I wish to do anything for sister hood.

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  8. This is an extremely important post because it carries real truth. It's important for people to learn and understand that what you say has consequences, even if it's on the internet and even if the consequence isn't for you, somewhere someone will be affected by what you said, wrote, etc.

    Online/Cyber-Bullying is a real problem, just as Offline/RL Bulling is, and it needs to be dealt with. Then again, people also need to gain some confidence. Confrontation is scarey, but it works. If someone said something to you or about you that you didn't like, confront them about it. If they just continue with their immaturity, then leave it be, knowing that you stood up and was the bigger person. Confidence is key.

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  9. One of the best posts you 've written. The things you say are so true. Though I never visit those negative sites to know exactly what is going on I understand, too well I 'm afraid what you are talking about. I 've been bullied for the best part of my school years and it's scarred me though I hope not for life. I cannot for the life of me understand how people can hurt each others feelings so easily. Especially those whom you don't know anything about. And it doesn't matter if it's on the internet, bullying is still bullying. I don't really know what to say any more abou these things. But I 'll always be a dreamer and I hope that the sisterhood WILL become reality in lolita community one day, and in all other communities that face problems like that.

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  10. Thank you for this post. I've never had experience with the negative communities personally, but hearing about their existence frankly sickens me. :/ I can promise I'll stand with you in this battle, in my own small way and in my own corner of the subculture/fashion.
    I'm a dreamer and an idealist too, so I know what you mean about how hard it is to explain to people that "overoptimism" or whatever isn't necessarily a bad thing. ;)

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  11. This is absolutely the best post I've read on Lolita in a long long time.
    It's disgusting the way that some people act. I left the communities because of things like this and I've had friends who were absolutely crushed by people like this.
    It's exactly right that new girls think "OMG I've finally found somewhere to fit in!" only to be crushed in their first attempt. For someone who is fragile to begin with that can be the final straw. I've personally been posted to the secrets communities several times since they allowed personal attacks, I only found out I was there because my blog was getting referral hits. Interestingly I've only been posted since I left Lolita for Hime Gyaru. I have a thick skin but I'm still a person and it's never nice to hear that someone thinks you look like a cockerspaniel or the like. Constructive criticism is something I support but there is a difference to being constructive and being a bully. I support the sisterhood and I do hope that at some time in the future everyone can all be mature enough to follow your example :)

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  12. I feel bad for saying this since this was a very nice written article but I think you have forgotten our male lolis and the sisterhood seems a bit sexist, if you don't mind me saying. I hope you don't take offense from me saying that.

    When I first started wearing lolita, I admit I advoided the actually communites out of the fear that had been placed into by other people that I had encounted from an other interest of mine saying "That they are all bitches and hate newbies that don't own brando."
    It made me so sad because part of me was scared that I would be hated straight away for what I wore and what I didn't. So when I got the nerve to join, I joined it all. I wanted to see it all, any time I posted I wanted to know if I got put down. Thou I'm still to nervous to post anything. I guess I just don't have the confidence for it yet other than a few random posts here and there on egl or the sales_comms.
    It isn't for the fear of what I've seen mind you but more the fear that I won't be appeccted. Real life bulling was bad, I don't know if I could handle on-line stuff just yet.

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  13. @Bluie: I definitely see where you're coming from, and I'm not offended. It could be said that I was thinking in a sexist manner when I wrote this article, but the term "sisterhood" was actually not coined by me; I first saw it used to refer to lolita in an article from Lolita Charm. To quote:

    "Lolitas are so different from the mainstream, and so small a percentage, with such a sensitive interest. There is a sisterhood there; there is something we all yearn for that we try to taste with ruffles and bows and ribbons."

    That said, I don't think that this idea of "sisterhood" necessarily excludes men- I know that sounds stupid, but hear me out. This fashion is devoted to the feminine side of life; therefore, regardless of sex, it seems to me that anyone who engages in a feminine fashion could identify himself as of the female gender whenever he dons those clothes while still being of the male sex (remember, 'sex' means biological identity and 'gender' means social identity). I also imagine that someone who is so comfortable with femininity that he will wear lolita would not be adverse to considering himself one of a sisterhood, whatever he identifies his gender as.

    In this article, I'm not also talking to those who wear masculine versions of lolita such as kodona or dandy simply because I haven't exposed myself to their side of our world enough to have the knowledge to comment on them- this goes for brolis as well. I don't want to label the men in our community as catty if they aren't, or hold them up as an example of sweetness if they don't suit that term either, simply due to my lack of knowledge about them.

    Thank you for your comment- It brought up an important aspect of our community that I left out of my discussion. I'll add these paragraphs as a post script to that article itself.

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  14. Sadly, the internet seems to bring out the worst in people. This is mostly because of the ideas of anonymity-- people can say whatever they want and can hide behind the fact no one really knows who they are.
    And then a lot of people seem to forget something fundamental about the internet. Every single post in a forum is made by a person. A living breathing human being. It may be text on a screen to one person, but the reality is that we are all human on here (unless you're a robot but I doubt there are any robots posting lolita pictures.)
    I am sorry to the girls that have experienced trolling and harassment due to the fact they love lace and frills. There is no excuse to be mean. Recently, someone posted an anonymous hurtful message on a story of mine, and I replied on my profile saying the same thing I said above about how we are all people, and they really hurt my feelings.
    You know what they did? They apologized. And I accepted their apology. Then we both moved on. It's hard to be mature about a situation when someone else is being immature, but essentially it's worth it.
    I believe that if there can be sisterhood anywhere on the internet, it is within lolitas, where being polite and nice is truly a virtue.
    I am starting my own lolita blog soon (after I finish moving into my new apartment) and I hope that it can become as successful and as full of positive energy as yours (and many of your colleague's) are. :)
    Thank you for posting this. It has helped me look past the times I've been trolled for other things and just realize that the internet might have a few a-holes, but there are also quite a few wonderful people as well.
    Have a nice day Miss Lumpy, Reed :)

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  15. Jeez,this was a fantestic article. I am so happy to find that others feel the same way that I do and are willing to speak out. I will pledge myself to this movement and hope that others will continue making an effort to expand the sisterhood!

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  16. Wow, I totally spelled fantastic wrong!

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  17. This was a most true and beautiful article, I am sure one day this whole feeling of negativity will end and we will all come together as beautiful brothers and sisters of lolita love

    You always make me smile with you're beautiful words of turth

    Thank you again for making me feel less alone for wanting love, respect and kindness through my fellow lolitas

    x

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  18. This is the best article I've read here, and that's saying a lot since I like 98% of this place, including the sidelinks. :D I wish we were friends. You're probably the lolita I feel most connected to style-wise and thoughts-wise. [and I'm also a Taurus.]

    This is candiesandlaces from tumblr, btw.

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  19. original photo is of angeliclailah (Rin Rin) and Jayu

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  20. I totally agree with what you're saying, but I don't believe that statistic at all...

    People who will have had bad experiences would be much more likely to participate in a questionnaire on such a subject, and many were probably exaggerating as mental illnesses are very VERY serious.

    But yes, I don't see why so many lolitas feel the need to be so horrid to each other...it should be a chance to bond over something unusual that we all love.

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  21. Thank you for posting this! Every word was wonderfully written and were carefully placed! :) This article inspired many of my friends who are all Lolitas. :)

    Here in our country, we only have a very small percentage of Lolitas. And even though the population is really small, there were still those who doesn't stop playing like gods. We celebrated our forum's first anniversary recently and I just found out that it was posted on 4chan with a lot of criticisms/side comments. They kept telling everyone that they are promoting the Lolitas in our country and that they are truly proud of it but all I can see and hear are harsh comments about our forum members/us. I can't see why they always look down on us. :( It's unbelievable and saddening.

    On the next International Loli Day, we will surely talk about this. I just want you to know, many of us read your blogs because all are helpful and informative. Thanks again from PH! ♥

    http://www.ruffledteadiary.com/

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  22. I agree with Abbey. I was actually offended slightly from parts of this post. Having been bullied from the time I was very small and having a hereditary mental illness (depression and so on) I hate coddling. I have been suicidal but what drove me to the edge was never that someone I knew (or didn't know) said my skirt was the wrong shape or I was too skinny to pull off whatever. It happens. About a year ago I was even posted on lolitafucks, and I politely said that perhaps they weren't the right socks to wear with the outfit but I didn't appreciate some of the other things they were saying. And then I left the community.

    When girls have so little self esteem that they are driven to consider suicide because of a bunch of people who don't even matter and other people come in to say that everyone else needs to accommodate that person because somehow being super sensitive makes them special.

    I'm not saying, "It's the internet, get over it!" What I'm saying is, spend a little more time working on your inside instead of your outside and learn to love yourself regardless of what anyone else says. Just because a person gets posted on gtfoegl (can't speak on behalf of cgl) doesn't mean that they are hated by that comm, it doesn't even mean that anyone will remember it in a month. I don't want to be a monkey wrench in the love machine, but mental illness is more serious than simple low self esteem.

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